


The Plushening

by CooperNox (CooperMox)



Category: Radioactive (Music Video), The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Radioactive (music video), Captured, Dark Past, F/F, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Manipulation, Murder, Music video inspired, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge, Science Fiction, Slow Burn, prisoner/guard relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:11:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5033221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CooperMox/pseuds/CooperNox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Plushes are alive</p><p>Clarke and her friends just wanted to bring the brutal commander down a few pegs, but things didn't go according to plan. Now the Puppets aren't the only ones with a fight on their hands. </p><p>Based on the music video for Imagine Dragons' Radioactive</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my oneshot project, but it's going to be a bit longer now.  
> This is a big experiment for me and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. :)

Day THREE

Five years since the Plushening and people were already using the semi-sentient beings for sport. That teddy you've snuggled since you were in diapers? Put it in the ring. One small thing changes, and the world loses it's shit. No one was really sure how it had happened, but overnight, every plush, puppet and beanie baby had come to life. The headline of the morning for every news station, blog and newspaper was that Kermit the frog had murdered the man with his hand in his back. Toy manufacturers were forced to shut their doors, the new creatures were given protections, and people started keeping them as pets. But with millions of jobs lost from the toy industry, new waves of crime rose, and suddenly Puppet Pits were common practice. Lots of people, who had been collectors or just had too many of the little beasts to begin with, sold off the excess to fighters as pit fodder to reduce the population and get a little extra cash. 

(I don't know why I'm writing this down, you know. You live in this world too. Well,I guess you're actually a book, but I'm unimaginably bored and I don't know, maybe when I get out of here someone will have a laugh reading this. And I need something to do.)

I'm not saying I'm above it all, I've done my fair bit of fighting, but that's our world now. That's how we get by. We had a team, my friends and I, but we got cocky, got stupid, and my friends got caught. Not by the law, cops tended to turn a blind eye to Puppet Pits, but by a ringleader. We thought we were good, well made, strong fighters, good strategy, criminal cunning, but this one was ruthless. Winning bets wasn't enough, so we thought we'd boost the house treasury, rob from the rich so to speak. I was lucky enough to have been the decoy, and got out before the guards realized that I was with the four sneaking through the basement. My friends were subject to the boss's own brand of justice, locked in cells in an old stone cellar turned dungeon. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky when I came back to break them out. It was all going according to plan, take out the champion, humiliate the Commander, free my friends. But I never have learned to ignore the voice in my head that tells me to do stupid things, to be a hero. I wanted to put one last nail in the bitch's coffin, laugh in her face one more time, but that's what got me caught. The tables turn quick when you've miscounted the number of guards.

* * *

"Writing a novel?" 

She gave me the damn notebook, what did she think I was going to do with it?

"Bite me."  
I don't know how she does it, showing up at my cell in complete silence like a damn shadow, but it gets me every time. 

"I like the fight, princess, but flirting isn't going to get you out of here."  
She's so smug, like every word from her mouth is gold. It's infuriating, but somehow all it manages to do is fluster me. Under different circumstances, I would be flirting, she is beautiful I have to admit. But beauty is only skin deep it would seem, because this bitch has a black soul. 

"Don't flatter yourself. I have standards."  
It's probably not the first time I've used that one, but the days are running together and I'm having a hard time remembering what sass I've used already. 

She just fucking laughs. 

"Clarke, I really thought we could get along. You're a good fighter, you'd have a good spot on my team. You're fighting the wrong person. You wanted my money, I'll give it to you. If you work with me."

"For you, you mean." 

The speech was the same as always. And yeah, it was more tempting the longer I was down here, but like I said, I have standards. 

"The only ones working for me are the puppets, Clarke." 

I'm getting the feeling she doesn't just mean the Plushes. And she's gone.

Sneaky, succubus of a woman.

* * *

Day FOUR

Ok, I really must have lost track of how long I've been here, because I'm starting to enjoy that tone, and the way she says my name. And 'enjoy' is an extreme understatement. I mean, it's been a hot minute, but I didn't think I was that much a slave to my hormones. 

Get it together Griffin. Stockholm syndrome is exactly what she wants damnit.

Would it really be Stockholm if I just took a revenge fuck as I escaped? The gang would be back for me eventually, and they could take out the guards, clear the place out, take it over for ourselves. And once I have her kingdom, I could just lock her down here in this cell I've been rotting in, hold her up against the bars and make her scream for me. It's not like she would say no, I've seen the way she watches me, and the flirting is obvious, and so much more than just her attempt to win me to her side. The controlling ones are always the ones who want to be tied and teased and made to beg. 

Holy GOD, I'm losing my mind down here. I'm seriously fantasizing about fucking my captor. First order of business after my rescue, get laid. Maybe Raven's still down for a romp or twenty. Oh boy, this cell needs more privacy. 

I'm not shy, per say, but my luck in this place says she'd sneak up and watch the whole show before I noticed her there. And then she would know that she does have power over me. Power to make me weak and wet and wanting. Again, in different circumstances, I wouldn't mind at all, it would probably be wonderful foreplay honestly, but this is reality. Please hurry guys. 

~

Day SEVEN

My life has basically become sleeping, arguing with the Commander (who calls themselves that?!) and scribbling in this notebook. Time is hard to measure down here. I'm only keeping track by when my meals come.  
I have a tiny window, but it's boarded over and only the tiniest bit of light comes through, and even that is artificial I think.

I get fed, like a caged animal, twice a day, and she usually brings it herself. Sometimes it's one of her lackeys, but she says she likes to talk when I'm too busy to pace and throw things at her. If she thinks that hand delivering my meals will help her case any she's sorely mistaken. Yesterday I refused to say a word. She refused to leave until I ate.

I don't know what's more annoying, the fact that she thinks she can win, or the way she just stares at me with absolutely no expression. She's impossible to read. Probably because she's some kind of robot and doesn't have human emotions or something. It's not natural.

* * *

"Are you going to talk to me this time?"

Was that, concern? 

"Will it make you leave me alone any faster?" 

Couldn't be.  
She's heartless.

"Why do you hate me Clarke?"

Seriously???

"Like you don't know. Let's pretend you aren't a cold blooded crime lord for a second. You locked up my friends, then locked me up. In this dank rotting basement with a pile of disembodied plush stuffing to sleep on and a literal shit hole in the corner. On top of all that, you come down here every day to waste your own time trying to convince me to be another one of your juiced up lackeys.Why the fuck do you think I hate you Commander?" 

Really, the conditions down here are crap, it's enough to make anyone snippy. 

"Lexa."  
She's staring at her feet and I can hardly hear her. Where did this come from?

"What?" 

"My name. My name is Lexa." 

Well, it's better than The Commander.

"Why are you telling me? Doesn't that kinda kill your mysterious badass vibe?" 

That was almost a compliment, I really need to watch it. 

"I'm hoping it will make you believe me when I say that I want you to work with me and not just be a 'juiced up lackey' like some of the others." 

Ok this sincerity shit is getting creepy. 

"No dice, Lexa. If you wanted me to work with you, you shouldn't have locked me up." 

It felt good to be able to spit her name back at her, make her regret giving me that little bit of power. 

And there's the steel in her eyes again.

I think I hit a nerve. 

"I get what I want Clarke. Every time."

Even when she's angry her stupid fucking voice is smooth as silk, deeper and forced from oozing past the clench of her jaw, but so controlled it gives me goosebumps. 

And just like every time before, she's gone as quickly and silently as she came.

* * *

Day TEN (?)

She hasn't been down here for two days. At least I think it's two days. I mean, I've heard two big fights upstairs, so unless I slept through more, two days should be right. If the meatheads bring my food they won't leave it if I'm asleep, so who knows how many I've missed. 

Two days though. Or more. Did she forget about me? Have I finally pissed her off enough for her to give up? Or is this just another tactic? Deprive me of any conversation (not that I enjoy our talks or anything) and then hope I'm just so happy to have someone to talk to when she comes back that I flip. That's a thing right? If it is, I think it's working. I'm writing questions into a notebook like it can answer me. 

Lexa.

She's good. Well, no. She's horrible. But she's at least dedicated to this whole manipulation game or whatever she's trying to do. My friends and I can talk our way into or out of just about anything, we're good at manipulation. We talked our way into the ring. Twice. Not that that's something to be proud of, but in this world... Well manipulation is a kinda necessary skill. And she is good at it. My point here, book, is that if the tables were turned, I'd want this chick on my team. If I was anyone else, her bullshit probably would have worked by now. But I know what I'm doing, so she's out of luck there. 

She's got that whole, "I'm a stone cold badass, but you might be worth my time" thing down to an art. Trying to be friends, giving me her name, the aire of control she has over everything, the flirting, that damn dark velvet voice, the lips, those eyes! You could get lost in those eyes. 

FUCK!

Again? Why do I keep doing this? Seriously, why am I hot for the woman holding me prisoner? Did I suddenly develop a prison fetish I wasn't aware of? Maybe this is the play. Maybe she's better than I thought at this manipulation thing.

Or maybe I'm slipping. 

This is stupid. Colossally stupid. This is not the sort of thing I should be thinking of in a cell with my life potentially on the line. Then again, I shouldn't even be here, this is not a situation that anyone should have to find themselves in, ever. So really, who's to say what I should or shouldn't be thinking of down here. 

Ugh, am I really trying to justify negative thoughts with the 'the world shouldn't be this way' excuse?

* * *

"Griffin!"

I have got to be dreaming right? 

That loud cracking noise wasn't the sound of the boards being ripped from my window and that is definitely not Raven's voice. 

"Clarke! Get your ass out of that pile of plush carnage and get over here!" 

She's really there.  
This is actually my rescue.  
About damn time. 

"Raven! My god, I could kiss you!"

"Plenty of time for that later hot stuff. Wheres Bell?"

Not good.

"What do you mean? He's not with you?"

Oh no, that look says shit went south again. 

"What happened?" 

"He came back for you three days ago and she got him too. He's not down here with you?" 

One second I'm face to face with my best friend, trying to read her face for anything she's left out and the next, all I can see are her shoes thrashing above giant black boots in the shadow of the flood light in the yard beyond my cell wall. 

"Raven!"

"They're determined, your little gang, I'll give them that." 

Lexa.  
She'll have us all in cages at this rate. 

"Let her go!"

"Why? The more of you I have, the sloppier the rest of them get trying to save you. It's amusing." 

"What did you do to Bellamy?!" 

The thug holding Raven hit the ground in a heap and I can only imagine what the crunching noise was. 

"He's fine." 

That damn smirk.

"He's reckless and stupid, but he's fine. We've had a good chat." 

So that's where she's been. 

"He loves you."

What?

Ok, I suspected as much, but she knows? More importantly. She's trying to use that? 

Or is she? I'm hallucinating the touch of jealousy right? It's some ploy. Right? 

Raven reappeared at the window, still struggling with whoever was trying to subdue her.

"Just let us go! We'll disappear and you'll never hear from us again. We're more trouble than we're worth aren't we? Please?"

Was I begging?  
Maybe a little. But Raven's chin hit the dirt and she stopped moving, so maybe I'm a bit desperate. And she's right. They're getting sloppy. 

"I get what I want Clarke. Remember?"

The goddamn eyebrow.

Not the time hormones. Calm your tits. Literally. Please. 

Raven is out of sight and I'm not winning here. She's got Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln should be running for the hills, but they're probably stalking the perimeter like caged lions waiting for Raven's signal. Which wouldn't be coming.

New plan.

"Let them go."  
She clearly didn't hear me right. I thought I spoke clearly, but she seems to think I said 'us' again.

"It's not going to work, Clarke."

"You're not listening. Lexa."

Ok, maybe a little less venom if this is going to work. 

"I said let _them_ go. You get what you want."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, this is getting more chapters! Probably three, but possibly four if things get away from me like this one did. :p

Do I have a plan? Not really.  
But she unlocked the gate, gave me my coat and is leading me to Bellamy, so maybe I don't need a plan right now. 

I have options. That's the first step in a plan isn't it?  
Option one, free Bellamy and send him and Raven away for their own safety. Remain Lexa's prisoner.  
Option two, make a break for it. Bell and I could probably overpower her, and the meatheads are guarding Raven, so we could get a jump on them-  
But I don't know what kind of shape Bellamy is in. He wouldn't just sit in a cage like I've been doing. He'll have been fighting her for the last three days.  
That's all I've got. Stay and save my friends or try to leave and probably die. 

It's a shed. She's been keeping him in a shed.  
Resist the urge to punch the bitch in the face, Clarke. Resist. 

“Stay out here.”

Apparently when I’m not behind bars she actually takes me seriously. Go figure. She practically dropped the keys into the frost covered dirt.

“I don’t think so Clarke.”

I think she’s genuinely confused. I get what I want too.

“If you honestly expect him, all of them, to leave me here while you’re essentially blackmailing me… you’re wrong. He has to believe I’m staying because I want to. Which I don’t. Don’t even try to think you’ve won.”

Ok, the smirk is gone, but now she just looks impressed, not what I was going for. I can’t win with this woman. 

“Alright, what’s your plan?” 

If I play this right, I could actually escape. Please be up for a fight Bell.

“I go in there and break his heart.” 

I mean, I’m going to have to do it eventually, not today, but eventually. I can’t see him the way he wants me to, he’s practically a brother to me, and then there's the whole, 'girls exist' thing, and that's just really hard to get past. But she doesn't need to know any of that. 

Though with the way she's looking at me I swear she knows what I'm thinking.  
She's freaking studying me. Creep.

"I admire that you're doing this for your friends." 

I'm out of the cell, crazy, you don't have to act like I'm interesting anymore. 

"I really don't care what you think."

"All the same. It's admirable, I should have done more for mine."

OK whoa... What?

"You have friends?"

"Not anymore."

She couldn't have said that with a super villain laugh could she? She had to go and get all soft and misty eyed, didn't she. It was a split second, but I will definitely never be able to convince myself that she murdered her old friends and buried them out in the orchard. It's so much easier to hate people who are just rotten. Why'd she have to go and have a tragic and mysterious past and make that face that says 'hug me'.

Nope.  
Not dwelling on this right now.  
Bellamy.

"Let's just get this over with. The sooner they're away from you the better I'll feel." 

Damn, girl is having a rough day. I might as well have physically slapped her. What the hell.

* * *

Dark room? Check.  
Walls lined with cages of killer plushes? Check  
Bellamy cuffed to an ancient rusty tractor? Check. 

"Hey idiot." 

No one ever accused me of being nice. 

"Clarke?" 

Careful with that eagerness boy, you'll give yourself whiplash.

"Hey. Looks like I'm rescuing you again. I think it was supposed to be the other way around."

He manages to get the cuffs off in record time, kicking them and the key Lexa handed me into a corner. 

And there's hugging.  
Why does this suddenly feel weird? This is normal. We do this all the time. All of us. 

All of us.

Not just me and him. Not now that he's looking at me like that. Like I'm some fragile thing he's never going to let out of his sight again. 

God, she was right. He's in love with me. 

Ewww. I actually just thought the words 'she was right'. The fact that my first thought when I realized that was that Lexa knew before I did probably says something about my mental state, but I'm gonna go ahead and claim Stockholm syndrome and leave it at that.

Alright, Griffin, focus. Get out now, dwell on how fucked up you are later. 

"We have to go. She's outside, but she's off guard, we can take her. There's two guys on Raven back at the barn, it shouldn't be hard to take them down if we sneak around the back-"

Excuse you!

"Bellamy! Who the fuck gave you permission?"

No really? In what world is it OK to kiss someone while they're trying to plan your escape?

Should I have shoved him that hard, probably not, but he shouldn't have kissed me. 

Don't look so wounded, you're in the wrong here mister. 

"Clarke, I-"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"I thought I'd lost you!"

"And now you have!"

Pretty sure Lexa can hear me screaming now. Lovely.

"Did you think this was some romantic reunion or something?! I'm not your fucking girlfriend! And I don't want to be, so forget it. Actually forget all of it. Leave before I change my mind. Go home, don't come back here. I'm staying."

Yeah... That reckless voice that tells me to do stupid things... It's back in charge. I'm pissed, what can I say? I mean, I've known he's been into me for a long time, but we've both just ignored it and everything was fine. How am I supposed to pretend that didn't happen? And he'll never forget it, not with that kicked puppy dog face. Am I supposed to go home and share a space with that face and his sister begging me to make it better? Not happening. I'd rather deal with the emotional trauma here. At least I don't feel bad for Lexa somewhere deep down.

Well, it was a fake plan, but it worked. I actually broke his heart. 

Lexa's got the door open now, coming to check on us I'm sure, she doesn't look pleased.  
Bellamy looks like he's been caught again but she waves him through, cocky smirk and all, like she hasn't kept him chained up in this shed for three days. The same smirk she gave me when she opened my cell. 

I'm sure it's the adrenaline and the fact that I'm just boiling with anger right now, but that look kinda does it for me. I mean, wow. I still want to punch her, but that might not be the only thing I want to do.

Actually...

Yep, I'm a horrible person. But it's all to keep them safe right?

Her hand is cold and she jumps just slightly when I grab it, which is immensely satisfying. Maybe I make her as jumpy as she's made me for the last two weeks. 

"Kiss me."

I have to reach up on my toes just a bit to lean over her shoulder and whisper in her ear, and I can see Bell trudging down the hill toward the tree line, glancing back at us in the doorway. 

It's almost more expression than I've ever seen from her, but as usual, it's gone in an instant and she just shrugs. The smallest movement, more evident in the lift of her brows than the lift of her shoulders and then her hand is under my chin and then....

I understand the cockyness now. No one should be capable of that. And that's just kissing. If you can call that a kiss. If it hadn't been for the muffled sob from down the hill, it would have likely gone so much further. I feel like I've fought a battle. How can someone be so soft but so rough? Gentle and brutal all at once. I don't want to even think about what she'd be capable of in bed.

OK, well I do, but no. Absolutely not.

This was an act. I just needed Bellamy to believe I wanted to stay here. It worked. He's sprinting now. He'll be in the trees in a second, and that'll be the last time I see him. 

What the fuck just even happened? 

One second I'm planning an escape, and then what? Did I willingly decide to stay? Because of Bellamy's feelings? And this... Making, no, asking Lexa to kiss me? Am I really that horrible? 

Yeah, looks like. 

And now, I'm backed up against splintered wood and her hands are warm now, on my throat and my wrist, and I can feel her breath on my cheek. 

But it was just part of the play. 

But Bellamy is gone, and neither of us have moved. And yeah, maybe I'm memorizing the press of her hips on mine for myself later, and maybe I like the light dizzy feeling from the pressure of her hand. This might be the hottest thing I've ever experienced, but it's the adrenaline talking. And it's Lexa. She might have gotten me to stay, but if she wants any more than that, she's not going to get it. She's evil to the core. 

Right?

"Alright, enough. Shows over." 

A little space makes it easier to remember that the body that mine wants so badly belongs to the bitch that manipulated me to this point. My new boss. 

And she just fucking smirks.

* * *

Day... Whatever

It's a Monday. Who gives a shit.

Anyway... I did some snooping (it's not my fault she gave me a room in the attic with all the boxes of sentimental crap) and here's what I've found out. 

Her dad was a commander in the Navy, which explains the nickname.  
Looks like he bought this old farm when he retired or something. There's a flag, so I assume he's dead now. 

I found a box of old photos, but most of them have been torn up, or burned. Which is a little creepy. There's one, in a frame that's still intact. A group of kids, twin boys and a girl about their age, and four younger kids. One is definitely Lexa, with her arm over another girl’s shoulders and the other two are boys, climbing an old apple tree. The boys look kinda familiar. Probably the two meatheads that live in the house too. From how young Lexa looks in the picture, I'd say it was taken before the Plushening. Maybe that's the last time she had friends. Before everything fell apart and she turned into this.

All this shit is up here in dusty boxes, and the rest of the old house is pretty bare, like she ripped everything down and shoved it away so she could be some hard ass criminal and her family photos couldn't judge her. 

Working "with" her apparently just means being at the fights and watching the challengers for any sign that they're using tricks like I did with my fighters. Apparently fitting your plush with stolen diamond cutting lasers is against the underground regulations. 

Raven could make a killing in BattleBots. 

The fights are dull, I sit there like a trophy at Lexa's side and watch. Money changes hands, stuffing hits the planks and we do it all over again. 

Yesterday we had a challenger that made it pretty far, the guy had some skill for fixing the thing up, I was impressed. But at the last second, she switched the champion on the guy and pulls out Pinky. My plush. The one with the lasers.  
It was a dirty move. I knew it, the guy knew it, and I'm sure Lexa knew it. But she got her money, and sent the guy packing. 

I don't get why it was so important that I work with her, she's using the same dirty tactics that she's got me looking for, and honestly, anyone could do that. Raven's the one that built the tech, Octavia and Lincoln got our fighters prepared and ready, I'm just the face, the brain occasionally if the need arises, but really, I'm not functionally important. 

She's still trying to be friends, which is infinitely frustrating. She actually made dinner tonight. It wasn't half bad. Fucking weird, but at least it tasted good. 

Every time I try to ask why she's doing all of this she just gives me that look. Like I'll understand someday. It's all some power trip I'm sure, but god damn it's frustrating. I'm already stuck here, I sent my friends away and those bridges are probably burned forever after what I did to Bellamy, if she wants something more from me why not just tell me? Why the manipulation game?

* * *

Three knocks. Slow with a second's pause between each. Lexa's knock. At least I have a solid door and walls now. 

“What?”

And there she is. Leaning against the doorframe like she owns the place.  
OK, she owns the place.  
But this is my room now. No one needs that smug of a face.

“Your earnings from last week.”

It's a hefty envelope, I’m kinda impressed. 

“Do I get to leave to spend this? Or am I still under lock and key?”

Well that killed the smirk. It's almost a shame to see it go. The pout is a bit more distracting and harder to hate. 

“I want to trust you, but would you really come back?” 

She has a point. Her only leverage on me is probably on the other coast by now. Of course, that also means I have nowhere to run to. 

“Where would I go? My friends are gone, you'd blacklist me from any fight within a hundred miles, and you have my fighter. I can't leave even if I did manage to get away from you and your goons.” 

I expected that to sting her a little more, but apparently it's amusing. 

Bitch.

“Goons? Is this Scooby Doo? They're no more my ‘goons’ than your friends were yours. You've been here a week, but you still refuse to see that this is a team. Yes, I'm in charge, but they don't just listen to me for fat envelopes like that one. No one here is expendable.” 

Not the villainous monologue I was expecting.

“You blackmailed me into working for you! For reasons I still don't understand by the way. You can't expect me to believe everyone on this stupid farm is here willingly. That everyone you pay is okay with dirty fights and keeping people prisoner!” 

The stupid farm comment might have been a bit childish, but I think hard on plans, not dialogue. 

I've only seen her get defensive a couple times. Her shoulders draw up and she gets this dimple on her forehead when she squints. It's like she puts on a suit of heavy armor and she's got to concentrate to hold it together. 

I was expecting that.

I was not expecting her to slump onto the corner of my bed, stare out my window and fidget like a kid with a secret. 

Seriously, she's evil, she's not allowed to have all these weird mysterious depths and sensitivities. 

Also, note that she's dodging the question. No way everyone is happy with the way she runs things. 

“The fuck are you doing?” 

I'm not sensitive. That makes one of us.

“I needed you to work with me because I need you to do something I can't.” 

I…. How do I… what?

“I was hoping you'd learn to trust me before I had to ask you, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.”

“Why? If you needed something done, why not just send someone to do it? Why not make me do it to get my friends released? Why all the trust exercises?”

No really… she's got no problem ordering people around…

“Because I'm not willing to send anyone else to-” 

She's snapped, and the armor is back. And now I really want to know how that sentence was supposed to end. 

“To what?”

Ugh, not the ‘I care’ voice Clarke. This is probably another fucking trick. 

“To die believing that I don't care what happens.” 

I can't blink hard enough to make that sentence make sense. 

“I told you I had friends once right? We planned a job. A raid, like what you and your friends tried here. I sent them in like soldiers. She fought me on it, said I was becoming cold, that I didn't care about any of them anymore, that she couldn't trust me to have their backs if it wasn't in my best interest. And I sent her anyway. And she was killed.”

She. 

How do I even respond to that? OK, this girl was killed and she was obviously someone special. So, what? She needs the person who did it brought to justice? Someone to finish the job maybe? Why not do it herself? Why me?

“She was dead before I got there.” 

Solves my problem of what to say. She's on a roll now.

“I tried to follow as back up at the last minute, but I was too late. She died thinking I just let them walk in there and didn't care.”

Well yeah, that's shitty, but I'm still confused.

“I killed one of the men who did it,” 

Oh.

“And Gus and Tristan still can't look at me the same. But his brother… He knows me, I can't get near him..”

“You wanted to send me to kill him? I can't do that.”

“No. But you can hurt him. Where it counts. The money. They were her half brothers. They killed her because she was with me. Nothing matters to him but the money.”

OK, I might be able to kill a twisted homophobic fuck like that….

“I'll never send anyone to do anything they don't want to do again. But I can't let this go and you... You wouldn't have let her down like I did. You can do the job. I wanted you to choose to do it, not go because I have something over your head or you have no choice. I won't make you do it. But that's why. That's why I wanted you to stay, why I've been trying to be your friend.”

Wow.  
She might actually have teared up there for a second. And I might maybe feel just a little bad for her. Except you know, she did actually kill a guy. A guy that killed his own sister, and her girlfriend, but still. 

Then again, I'm a thief and a puppet fighter, moral black and white is kinda out of the equation now. 

“Alright, I kinda get it, but if you don't want to force someone to do this, why did you think keeping me prisoner was a good idea? That's kinda the epitome of ‘against my will’.” 

It's a different laugh than I'm used to. This one is soft and she's laughing at herself. That sad depreciating laugh that you do when you realize you fucked up but it's so stupid you can't do anything but laugh. 

“Honestly, I've forgotten most of the reasons I do anything. I kinda stopped thinking after…. I'm just working on muscle memory at this point. I'm sure once upon a time, I had a great reason for locking people up, but I couldn't tell you what it was now. Though, most people in my position just kill thieves and cheats, so maybe I just thought that was better.”

Two weeks in a dungeon is decidedly better than being dead, so I guess that's legit. 

“And then you decided I could be useful. If I trusted you?”

“Something like that. I knew you could pull off the job when you came back for your friends. But would you have even heard me out if I hadn't caught you?”

“You have a point.”

I can't believe I just said that. Out loud.

Neither can she. The smirk is back. 

“Can I assume you've decided to not hate me so much now?”

Baby steps Lexa.

“I still think you're psycho. Actually, probably more so now… Your reasoning leaves a lot to be desired.And no matter what the reason, you kept me locked in a cell for two weeks, I'm not going to forget that easily. I can't even be sure this isn't just a trick.”

There's that wounded face again. I don't like it. 

“But… that would be a pretty elaborate lie. So I guess I can give you a chance to prove it. That doesn't mean I trust you. And I'm not going to do your revenge job for you. But I'll give you a chance to make all this up to me.”

No, I don't know why I'm even considering this. I just am. Shut up.

“Thank you Clarke.”

“I'm only doing this because I have no where else to go. We're not friends.” 

She's back at the door and I can see that smirk fall just a little before her back is to me.

“Of course not.”

“Word of advice? If you want someone to trust you, try the truth first.”

I’m pretty sure that was a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please :D  
> I heart them!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to feel like this isn't going to end, but that's cool right? :p

Saturday

I talked to Gus. Turns out he was one of the boys in that picture.Tristan was the other. They've been Lexa's friends since they were kids. Their parents helped on the farm. 

Yes, book, I learned the meathead's names. Stop judging me. A girl can change her mind.

The girl with Lexa was the one she got killed. They wouldn't talk about it much, but her name was Costia. I can only guess that the twins were her brothers. The older girl is still a mystery, but I really don't want Lexa to know I'm snooping, so I guess she'll stay that way. 

It's really weird finding out that she used to be a normal kid. I mean, we all were once, but how do you go so wrong? Sure, she's not as bad as some puppet pit ringleaders, but this is a rural area, not the big cities, the cities are a nightmare. When we were working our way west from the metro area, the rumors we heard about this place, about the commander… they were awful. Pitting puppets against gamblers that couldn't pay their debts, old fashioned mobster torture and executions, the works. 

But I haven't seen anything like that. Yeah, she keeps people in the cellar/dungeon, but Ryder (the only lackey that seems to have a soul) takes them out to a service road that leads to the highway after a few days, when they've learned to not cheat. I haven't forgotten my own stay down there, believe me, but aside from that really stupid plan, it doesn't seem all that sinister. 

Am I missing something?

* * *

Gorge takes out Rufus, Felix and Tiger, loses to Dagget. Dagget gets torn to pieces by Shredder. I'm gonna have to find a good replacement, maybe we can buy Shredder? The big question is, who's top bracket? Winslow or Pinky? 

Oh shit.  
Lexa's pissed. What did I miss? Who is that?! Fuck you shadowy barn, I can't see.

“Well look who decided to show her face.”

I'm getting pretty good at reading her moods. This one is called ‘pissed the hell off’. She looks calm and she's still using that honey coated ‘I couldn't give a shit’ voice, but she’s on her feet and I can practically hear her teeth grinding. 

Figuring out the evening's brackets can wait. This just got interesting.

“Don't act like you aren't happy to see me. You've been waiting to be forgiven for years.” 

Holy. Shit.   
The girl from the picture. The mystery girl. The last of Lexa's former friends. 

“Is that what you're here to do? Forgive me? I didn’t think you had it in you.”

This is gonna get ugly. She isn't even trying to be chill anymore. Has to be about the girlfriend, right? Everything fell apart when she died, so that has to be what she needs forgiveness for… unless there's something worse that I don't know about. 

“I came because I heard you'd turned a corner. Guess it was the wrong way.”

This woman, -and I mean _Woman_ because, WOW- is stone cold. I thought Lexa could hold bitchface like nobody's business, but damn. 

“Clarke, handle this. I'll be back.”

You wanna snap orders a little harsher Lexa? Find your chill woman, I didn’t do anything. No need to throw the damn ledger at me.

Wait, no, hold up. I want to know how this goes down! She's just going to leave me with debt ledgers and bracket lists and go have a knock down, drag out, fight with _her _? Where I can't watch?!__

By which I mean, I absolutely do not care. They're probably just going to talk like adults and it will be really boring. Nothing for my undersexed brain to fantasize about. 

You're not listening brain.   
Damn it.

And they're gone. Did they practice that silently disappearing thing as kids or something? 

“You wanna pick your jaw up and get back to work, Clarke?” 

I can't glare any harder than this, but when I figure it out, you are toast, Gus. 

“You wanna shut your face fuckwad? If I'm staring it's out of shock that she left me in charge.” 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  
Fight me.

“Yeah, sure. Couldn't be that Anya is still a babe or that you get drooly over Lexa every time she gets bossy. You're definitely too professional for that right?” 

I…. He…. You little shit! You did not! I don't get ‘drooly’! I am a lady! And she is my… nothing. She's my nothing. She is literally that important to me. This is a job, and she might run the business, but she is not the boss of me, and she certainly doesn't make me drool. 

I'm arguing this too much aren't I? Oh god…

“Alright. I admit, they're both hot. But I don't drool!” 

“Keep tellin yourself that Princess.”

“Fuck you Tristan.”

Gus is an okay guy, but Tristan is a colossal dickweed. I'm going to let Pinky into his room at night to set his junk on fire. 

Homicidal thoughts aside, I've got to keep these guys quiet. My whole continued existence here depends on Lexa believing that I still hate her. That kinda goes out the window if these two blockheads tell her I've been drooling over her. I pushed my friends away, I'm not looking to replace them with this lot. I just have to keep my distance until I can save up enough to get the hell outta dodge and start over. So Lexa stays in the category of look but don't touch. 

Touching would be very bad for my health. It would turn into an addiction way too fast. 

“Anyway…. What's the deal there?”

Please feel like talking about something other than my eternal embarrassment.

“Well, Anya's down to one sibling cuz of Lexa, so there's some bad blood there. She split after we took the farm back from the Satan twins-”

“Took the farm back?”

Oh Gus…. You opened your mouth… spill it. If you must do it with that grumpy face and all the sighs and protests you can muster, fine. Just tell me everything.

“We were kids when the stuffing hit the fan, and Lexa's Pa got killed at a riot in town when people started losing work, so the rest of our parents just took over the farm.”

Oh god…. She couldn't have been more than fourteen...

“T and I ran off with Lexa and Cos when they got together and that news didn't go over so well. When we came back, our parents were gone and the twins had opened the pit out here in the barn. Anya had moved to town and let us crash with her, but Lexa got it in her head that she was gonna take this place back. She got obsessed, and Costia got killed. Anya came to stop us too late, just in time to see her brother and sister dead and Lexa covered in their blood.”

Well. Shit. That's….

“So Lexa didn't start the pit?” 

Don't get emotional over the tragic back story, Griffin. Focus on the big picture.

“Nah. She just kept it going. She wanted to join up like her dad and go help people. Be a doctor or something like that.”

What? This Lexa? Locks people in the dungeon Lexa? Completely in her element during a fight Lexa?

“Don't get excited, that's not her anymore.” 

“Obviously.”

But I've seen pieces… Maybe she's still in there. 

No. No, Clarke. No. Don't even go there. You're not the hero that changes the villain. You don't get to save the pretty girl from darkness and ride off into the sunset. That's not how life works. Especially not your life. 

“Story time Gus?” 

Gulp.   
Like really. Is that fair? Showing up like that, like a fucking shadow. Just leaning against the doorway with that fucking flawless face that somehow screams ‘murder’ even though it's just a raised eyebrow and an unimpressed frown?! Who gave you the right?

And right when I actually see you as a human being. Right when I feel bad for you. Before I had a chance to convince myself you're still evil. 

I am so screwed. 

“She asked” 

You're a dead man.

And now that look is all for me. I'm sure I'm staring, but I just want to understand how she does that. She barely moved, just a twitch, and she's wearing a completely different expression. She's studying me again. Trying to figure out if my interest in her past means she's winning this long game of hers.

There it is.   
My anger.   
Thank god.

I'm done with this shit. I need air. 

“I'm going for a walk. You can finish this crap.”   
Just walk Clarke. Ten feet to the door, there's plenty of room, just walk right past her and keep walking.   
Ha!  
I did it.   
Around the corner, and home free!   
I- 

Mother fucker!

“Clarke, stop.”

You're touching me.

She had to have jumped to follow me, to grab my wrist and stop me. 

God, my wrist. Just like at the shed, that kiss. 

Don't. Don't think about it, don't.   
Aw fuck.   
Keep it together.

“What!?” 

You can let go now.

She's not letting go.  
It's hot out here right?   
There's snow on the ground, it's not hot. But she is. And she's staring, and so close and she smells like cinnamon and woodsmoke and every nerve feels like fire and I could just…

“He’s wrong.” 

“Huh?” 

Reboot. We're talking Clarke. Not eye fucking. Get your head in the game woman.

“Gus. What he said, about that not being me anymore. He's wrong.” 

Oh.   
I can't even remember why I was mad.  
She let go.  
Maybe I didn't want her to let go after all. 

“You're a really good actor then.”   
I can't help it, she looks so small, and this, coming after me, she needed me to know, its sweet. How can I not?

Her hand is cold and I swear she just stopped herself from tracing circles with her thumb, which is kinda adorable, and that look is definitely relief. I never thought I'd see anything but stone and green fire in those days, but this… I could get used to. 

Fuckfuckfuckityfuck. 

She won. 

There's that laugh. The one I'm not used to. The one she uses on herself.

“That's me too. I wish it wasn't, but it is. I just… they don't see past what I am now, not after... I just wanted you to know that I'm more than that.” 

Okay. Yeah, she's definitely more than that. I don't know when I stopped caring that I cared but now my hand is in her hand and I want to be angry at this development, but it just fits there and I can't. 

“I was kinda figuring that out on my own” 

Wow.  
Discovery number one, she can smile.  
Discovery number two, it does funny things to me.   
That one. That smile, not this cocky, flirty grin she switched to like black magic.   
That does things to me too, but I'm used to that by now. 

“I thought you hated me.”

OK, this is flirting now. That's what's actually happening. I have got to walk away.

“I do. I did. I don't know.” 

I'm babbling. Christ, Clarke, what are you thirteen?

“I still think you're a terrible person,” 

Well at least she knew that was mostly a joke. There's the smile again. It's shy and she can’t look at me until she gets it under control and it's beautiful. 

Do your job knees. 

“But I'm not exactly a saint either.”

It's the truth. I'm done being a hypocrite. She's done some shit things, but would I have done anything different in her place? And what I did to Bellamy?! I manipulated his feelings for me to, what? Punish him for them? I told myself it was to keep him and all of them safe from her… but maybe they needed to be safe from me. 

“You're an angel by comparison.” 

She squeezed my hand when she said it, she's closer than she was just a heartbeat ago, and… I know where this is going.

Walk away Griffin. Walk away right now. If you let this happen, it's game over. No leaving this place. Not because she won't let you but because you won't want to go. I want to go! 

“You don't know me.” 

Good. One step at a time. Next foot. Again. Try to not sprint to the house. 

I walked away. I might have left on a flirting note and had to drag my fingers away against their will, but I did it. 

I should have put an end to it right there, but I couldn't. I might as well have promised her a ‘later’. 

Maybe I should have let it happen. Gotten it out of my system. She was right there, she was practically asking permission, I could have let her kiss me and dealt with the consequences later. It's just an attraction right? We could be adults about it. 

Fuck.

* * *

Still Saturday

I still don't know what happened with Anya. She showed up out of the blue and disappeared just as quickly, I don't get it. And Lexa hasn't said a word about it. 

Or maybe she has. I wouldn't know. Ryder brought my lunch to my room and the whole house has been quiet since. I should have gone to the fight, that's where they are. That's where she is. 

What am I even doing? What am I doing about that? About her? She locked me up, yes, but I wasn't mistreated was I? Is that my only reason for hating her? All those stories, all those horrible things we heard, that was the twins. I've been so convinced she was evil, but maybe I was wrong. Would I be having such a hard time admitting that I like her if I hadn't built her up as the villain? 

There. I like her. I said it. Wrote it. Whatever. 

Honestly, I've been the cruel one. Not that I knew, but she's been through some shit, and I've been throwing all of that in her face like it was her fault. 

When did I turn into the cold unfeeling one?

I used to talk to Octavia about this stuff. Or just let Raven distract me from it. I've never been the best person, even before the plushes came to life and shit got hard. I've never really been sensitive or cared about who got hurt to get me what I wanted. But they didn't care. Bellamy didn't care. Lexa doesn't care. 

And I push them all away. 

I don't know if I know how not to. If I let something happen with Lexa, what then? I just give up on getting out of here? Stay and run the pit? Finish that grudge job for her? 

It wouldn't be so bad would it? 

She wanted to be a doctor, I wanted the criminal empire.   
I don't know what else I want. I wanted out of here, but to what end? I have nowhere to go. My mother disowned me years ago, I broke Bellamy's heart, Octavia will never forgive me for that, and Raven won't leave them. No friends, no family. I could go west and try to start over, but let's be real, in six months tops I would fall into the same pattern. Theft, fighting, cons, lies, a string of questionable bed warmers, and generally hating myself. 

This could be better than that.   
I could be better than that.

* * *

I forget sometimes how much I love these fights from down here. Off the dias, in the crowd. It's a good turn out tonight. 

Sawdust and stuffing in the air, money hungry cowboys that smell like dirt, sweat and tobacco, and the ring, lined with tin to echo the roars and ripping sounds as the fight goes on. This is what I live for. 

And then there's Lexa.   
Above it all and watching everything. The gamblers don't pay much attention to a girl half their size slipping through a crowd, but she does. She's been watching me since I stepped inside.  
The first time I walked in here like this I was a distraction. The second time, I came for revenge. Now, I just want to give her what she wants. 

Deep breath. This is starting over. You can do this. 

“Finally decided to join us I see?” 

I see you aren't phased by this afternoon at all.   
The sarcasm helps though. I think I'd probably get all tongue tied if she was being sweet. 

“I wasn't feeling well.”

What was that about starting over? No more lies? Great start Griffin.  
It's just the tiniest twitch of emotion, but it's there, concern. She cares. Holy crap. I knew that though, right? 

“I'm fine, just a headache. Can we talk?” 

That's actual surprise. I really have been a bitch haven't I? If she's that surprised by me asking to talk… 

She's surprised but she's up and she's headed to the office, so I guess I'm not an unredeemable bitch. 

Office. Ha.   
It's an old tack room that just has boxes of old papers, a desk and the safe. It's not much of an office, but we're criminals. 

It's like the door closing behind me broke the mask she's been wearing and suddenly she's ten times easier to read. We're alone and sure, she looks relaxed, pushing herself up to sit on the desk, but she's tapping her fingers and her foot is bouncing slightly against the wood.  
Is that nerves Lexa? 

“This is new.” 

I might have dressed up a little. Maybe.  
And she noticed! Win!  
Of course she noticed. All of your clothes are her rejects, yours are all back with Octavia and Raven.

“I went into town.” 

By which I mean- I stole Tristan’s car and went into town.  
Details.

There's the shock I was waiting for.  
Not that the blatant staring didn’t make my day or anything. It did. It totally did. Because if I drool, then so does Lexa. 

“And you came back.” 

Of course. 

“Is this you coming to tell me you’re leaving?”

What? No! this is the opposite of that. Jesus, don’t look so sad please. I can’t process all the new facial expressions you’re apparently capable of without wanting to hug you and that’s just not where I wanted this to go.

“I'm not going anywhere, Lexa. This is me telling you that I’m staying.”

I think I love that smile. 

“What changed your mind?” 

So much. But…

“You.”   
That's the one that matters. 

“Don't look at me like you don't believe me. I'm trying here.”

That got a smile out of her. Better than the skeptical eyebrow. 

“Sorry, I just don't know what to say to that. I'm glad you want to stay Clarke. I uh... I like having you around. Really."

Lexa at a loss for words. Today is a day of many wonderful things.

Wonderful things like her hand in my hand, her hands on my hips, being pulled up between her knees against the desk and her lips….her lips… her… Lexa…

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please! I <3 them! And you, my lovely readers.


	4. Chapter 4

This wasn't how I planned my day. But here we are. Here she is.  
How is she even real? And here, in my bed? 

“Clarke.”  
She just gives me the smallest of groans and I think it was supposed to be ‘leave me alone’ but I can see her smiling and it ruins the effect. 

“Clarke.” 

“What, Lexa?”   
It's still so strange to hear her say my name without a hiss of disgust under it. It's hard to not melt when she says it like that, all sleep slurred and grumpy, but almost affectionate. Almost. 

“We should get back to the barn.” 

It's the last place I want to be, but Costia died to get me this place back, I can't just let it go because there's a new woman in my bed. I'm allowed to move on right? Do I want to? Not that fucking Clarke is moving on. It could be just that, it could be a one time thing. I'm not jumping to conclusions. But that's okay too right? I can do that, can't I? 

It doesn't mean I love you any less.

 

“What are you thinking right now? That's not a ‘we need to get back to work’ face.” 

She can see right through me. 

“Just remembering something.”   
Please don't pry. I'm trying my hardest to be open with you, but I'm not ready for this talk.

“OK… Whatever.” 

Thank you.

“You aren't remembering this by any chance are you? Because I should kick your ass for these.”

You wouldn't. 

“You weren't complaining at the time.”

I might have been a bit rough, but I'm more than a little proud of those marks. My marks. Collar bone to hip. Her wrists and thighs match as well. And she really wasn't complaining. She'll wear those bruises for a few days, and for a few days at least, she won't be able to forget that this happened, that she was mine. At least this once. 

“Could you wipe that smirk off your face? It's distracting.” 

“Oh I'm sorry, were you trying to focus on something more important?”   
You're adorable when you're frustrated.

“Yes. The backs of my eyelids.” 

I honestly can't tell if she still hates me or not. She doesn't, obviously. But that's some really thick sarcasm armor. 

Try not to be hurt by it. You're a big girl, and she's thrown worse at you. 

“I'm kidding, Lexa. Geeze. Your bed is just unfairly comfortable and I don't want to move or go back to the fight and you're keeping me awake.” 

For all the time I spent cutting myself off and perfecting my poker face, she can read me like a book. I guess I don't realize when I'm actually reacting to something anymore.

“We should go back though. You can come back here later though. If you want.”

Why? Why do I get tongue tied and shy about asking her back to my bed? We spent the last two hours, minimum, doing unspeakable things and nothing could shake my confidence, but asking her if this could be more than a one time thing and suddenly I'm a nervous kid asking the most popular girl to the dance. What am I afraid of? 

“I want.” 

Ok.  
I forgot how to breathe for a second.  
Wow. That shouldn't still get to me. She shouldn't be capable of that sort of voice. It's low and husky and maybe a little raspier from the sounds I pulled from her before, and it's poison and it's in my veins and I am so sorry Cos.

Oh. 

Alright, don't fall apart. Work this out later, when you're alone. When she can't see. 

“The bed, or me?” 

There we go. The cocky asshole thing works for her, keep it there, don't fall apart. 

“Can't a girl have both?” 

I'm dreaming. She couldn't possibly be looking at me like that. But she is. She knows my weakness for her hands in my hair now and her lips are soft and almost sweet, how can I resist. 

I'm sorry Cos.

The barn is looking more and more like the last place on earth I want to be. 

All the more reason I need to go. Right now.

“Come on. Up.” 

Pulling away feels like ripping off a band aid. It's sharp and it hurts but it wakes me up and it's done. The moment is gone. I can't get lost in this. 

“And she's back to giving orders.” 

And you're muttering like I can't hear you. I can.

“Again, I did not hear you complaining before.”

“Before, you were trying to get me into bed, not out of it.”

Point. 

“You're going to make my life hell now aren't you?”

I should not be this turned on by her putting her clothes _on_.

“Hasn't that been my goal this whole time? You think I’m gonna give up now?”

No I don't. Wouldn't want you to.

* * *

Well, the barn is still standing. That's a miracle. 

Here we go. Game face. Take no shit. 

Give me that smirk for one second longer Tristan and I'll take your head off.   
I swear to god, these boys…. They're loyal, but that's about it. They're damn annoying otherwise.   
I don't know why they've stuck with me this long. Gus loved Costia almost as much as I did, and I know he'll hang on to what happened to her forever, but he's still here. Maybe he just stays to remind me of what I did. As if I needed the reminder. 

I just wanted my home back. It was supposed to be so easy, but it went so wrong before we even started and I made her go anyway. They weren't supposed to be here, they weren't supposed to see us until we had loosed the plushes to chase them out. No one was supposed to get hurt. The guns were meant to be a threat, they shouldn't have even been loaded. But she was scared and she loaded hers, and he killed her with it. And I killed him with it. 

“Earth to Lexa.” 

Fuck my life.

“Sorry, what?

“Why’d we come back here if you’re not even going to pay attention?”

I am suddenly not in the mood for this. 

“You’re right.”

Don’t look at me like that. Not here. Not right now.

“I’m going for a walk.”

Maybe the cold will clear my head. 

“Lexa!”

Please don’t Clarke. 

“You should put Pinky in, looks like this one has gotten pretty far tonight.”

It's an impressive tally of wins. Just, focus on the fight Clarke, leave me be. Please.  
She’s not following me. Good. 

I thought this had stopped haunting me, wishful thinking I guess. I should go visit her. It’s been too long. It’s a full moon and the snow makes it almost bright out. I could see well enough to write. 

Our little cemetery. My grandparents, my parents, Costia. 

“You know, This was something my mom showed us when our grandma died.”

Holy fucking shit! Anya!  
I was not expecting that. Good thing I’m in the cemetery, I almost died. She’s probably been here all day.  
This seems right though, Doesn’t it? Closure.

“She brought that out here for me when my dad died. To write him letters.”

My old tin lunchbox. I probably need to put more paper in it, but I haven’t written to her in months, and my dad hasn’t gotten a letter in years. 

“She was sweet like that, huh? Always taking care of everyone.” 

“Anya…” 

All the ways I wish I could apologize, take it back, make it not have happened, and I can't. I can only sit here in the snow and miss her. All Anya wanted was part of her family back even if it was me. And I couldn’t give her that, because it’s my fault, and she shouldn’t forgive me, and yet, here she is. Still. 

“She wouldn’t blame you you know.” 

Can everyone read me so easily? 

“I got her killed.”  
Of course she’d blame me. 

“You we’re the reason she was here, but you didn’t kill her. And that’s not what I meant. I saw you with the girl from the barn. You seemed… close. And since you’re here now, I can only assume you think you’ve done something wrong. She wouldn’t blame you. She can’t be here to take care of you, she’d be happy you found someone else to do it for her.”

“That’s not-”

That’s exactly why I’m here. Damn it.

“How can you even want to forgive me? I might not have directly killed Cos, but-”

“My brothers were rotten to the core since they could crawl. I never wanted to believe it, but I knew. They killed Cos, and I blamed you for it because they were my brothers. I found Quint, in that cesspool of a pit he’s running now. He doesn’t even care that Art and Cos are gone. I’m putting my anger where it belongs, on him.” 

You really lost all three siblings that day didn’t you?

“I’m going to take it all away from him. Someday.”

I just have to figure out how. I can’t send Clarke, even if she would help me. Not now. 

“I know. I’m going to help.”

Are you dying?! You are literally the last person in the world who would ever get involved in anything remotely criminal. 

“He wanted to pimp me out, Lexa. His only sister. I might not be much use, but I’m going to be there when his empire crumbles. You’re my only family now.”

I may or may not hate hugs on the general principle of it’s sappy and I’ve built this cold blooded killer persona maybe a little too well, but this is the appropriate time for a hug. And I don’t even care that the barn is emptying and these drunk rednecks might see us here huddled on the steps of my grandparents’ tiny mausoleum. She’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister and she forgives me. Maybe I can finally forgive myself.

“So. Tell me about the girl.”

Really Anya?

“Is this the time or place for that?”

“She would want to hear about her too. She’d want you to be happy. Does this girl make you happy?”

“Her name is Clarke.”

Happy. I don’t know about happy. Less angry maybe. She's given me something else to focus on at least. That's something, a start at least. 

“I screwed up with her right off the bat. I was just thinking of Cos and getting back at Quintin somehow, and I really fucked up. But somehow she's decided to forgive me too. I never expected anything to happen with her. It never even crossed my mind, not as a real possibility at least.”

I might have had a fantasy or two about it, especially after that first kiss, but I don't think I was alone in that.

“I don't know if I'm capable of happy, Anya, but she makes me less sad.” 

She's there. I can see her, backlit and silhouetted in the empty doorway. Looking for me. 

“You should go. Go be less sad with Clarke, Lexa. Let Costia rest, you've been using her memory to keep going all this time, let her rest. Live for you.” 

Are you sure you're not dying? 

“Go. I'll be around.” 

Around. How about home?

“I haven't touched your room. You can stay.” 

“I'd like that.”

Live for me. Be happy. Sounds like a load of garbage, but Anya coming home does make me feel better, I guess that could be happiness.

* * *

“You wanna talk about it?” 

Talking is pretty much the last thing I want to be doing at this moment, Clarke. I did not push you into this sofa to talk. I didn't nearly ruin that shirt to talk. My mouth is otherwise occupied with your neck, specifically so I don't have to talk. 

“Not really. I’m kind of busy.”

I’m actually slightly insulted that you want to talk right now, so please stop.   
Just. Touch. Me. 

“You’re trying to use sex to hide from whatever it is that’s been bugging you all weeke- ow! Okay enough!”

Fuck.   
I didn’t mean to bite down so hard. That’s not going to be a good mark.   
Shit shit shit.

“Clarke. Wait. I’m sorry.”  
Just don’t storm out, please.

“I’m only going to stay if you’re going to talk. I’m not going to just be your distraction Lexa.” 

If I must.

“Okay, just… come back here please?”  
When did I get this pathetic? I shouldn’t need her like this. But I do. I can’t stand her looking at me like that from across the room. Not again. It’s the same glare she saved for me in the cell downstairs. 

“Fine. But clothes are staying on and hands to yourself until you’ve said what you need to say.”

“You drive a hard bargain.”   
I am not pleased with this. I am equally displeased with the fact that I haven't allowed myself to be open about this at all. I let myself become the monster I wanted everyone to think I was to live up to the reputation I had taken on. I didn't want this.

“Talk.”   
She looks like she couldn't care less, but she came back and she's not backing down on this, so I can only assume she cares. That shouldn't be something that gives me butterflies, someone caring about me. 

“Anya coming home… it just got me thinking about,”

Say her name. You can talk about her to someone who didn't know her, it's not whining, or pining or weak. 

“Costia. And this, I still feel like even looking at you is betraying her. But she's gone and that's ridiculous, and I'm trying to forgive myself, but I'm not doing a great job and I'm just…. I'm just trying to not think.” 

Is it possible that you have oceans in your eyes? Is it possible for me to drown in them? Can I be swept out to sea and leave all my overbearing thoughts behind?

“I want… this feels good. Whatever we are or whatever we're doing, I don't really care what it is, It feels good, like I'm human again. I just want to feel that. Instead I just feel guilty.” 

“You know that things don't get better if you just try to will them away right?” 

Yeah yeah, I know. At least you're smiling now.

“It takes time.”

“It's been two years.”  
You're the first person I've been with since her. I'm ready to be over this. I am trying. 

“It's time to start healing then. And I don't mind distracting you a little when you need me.” 

I take it we're done talking then? Hands to myself is out the window if you're straddling me like this right? Or not. You could have just said no hands Clarke, no need to pin them behind my back. 

“You have to do one thing for me though.”

“Name it.”  
Anything to get this conversation over with. Anything to let me touch you.

“Admit you need me.”

Excuse me? I don't - oh. Oh!   
Ok, I might need that.   
No one should be able to do that with their hips and oh god…. 

“Clarke…”

That wasn't supposed to be a whimper.

Fuck. The visual alone could get me off, but then there's that pressure, and I'm on fire. But it's gone and I know you're doing that on purpose.

I might need this.   
I might need you riding me like there's more there for you than my hips.   
I might need that more than air.   
I might need your nails on my skin like I need water.   
I might. 

Just touch me. 

“Tell me.”

Fuck… 

No. I'm not letting you win this one. It might be the middle of the night and everyone is asleep, but this is my living room and I will not beg. Ah! 

“Just fucking touch me Clarke.” 

Voice, you fucking traitor. That was far closer to begging than I would have liked. 

I will not- fuck! It's okay, I didn't need those buttons anyway. I hate this shirt. I don't hate where your hands are. I might need this. I might need more than this. I might. God! Just stop teasing me please. 

“Tell me.”

“Clarke… fuck…” 

I need this. 

“I need you.”

I need you.

“Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so.... Have some Lexa pov. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys! I'm really kinda proud of it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have!

This is such a fucking disaster. First page to this page - one hundred percent train wreck. How is this my life?

For posterity's sake, I suppose I'll catch you up, book. But only because I have nothing better to do right now. 

First off, sorry for abandoning you. Since I really only had my coat and I was wearing Lexa's old clothes anyway and Anya and I went and bought way too many new clothes for me (because Anya is fucking awesome and I kinda love her. You know, platonically. She's a lot like Raven...anyway) I really haven't been back to “my” room up here in the attic in, what, weeks? A month? A while. But that's purely because Lexa's bed is insanely comfortable and it's winter and this old house is drafty as fuck and she's really warm. I mean, really really warm. Except when she's been outside for too long (approximately five seconds) and her hands go full ice cube. And her room has a fireplace which is also warm, and like I said, it's fucking cold so warm is important. Some nights she'll sit with her back against the stones and work on the books and ledgers by the firelight, or sometimes she'll just read. She loves books, half a wall in the den is books, and half of them are boring biographies or histories, but the other half are fantasy and grand adventures and heroics, and it's all so very, very, Lexa.

Ok, fine. Maybe I have other motives for moving into Lexa's room. 

But honestly, and this isn't just me covering my ass because I'm embarrassingly wrapped around this woman's finger, it's more than just her. It's having something to do, its having Anya and Gus and Ryder (not Tristan, he's still a dickwad) as friends. It's being able to think about tomorrow without part of the plan being ‘steal some food’ or ‘con some poor sap into letting you sleep on his couch so you can rob him and run’. 

I'm trying to be better than I was. And yeah, this is an odd place and an odd group of people to try to do that with, but it's what I have. It's weird to think that my kidnapper and captor is the reason I'm turning a corner. We were pretty stuck in our ways before we tried to take Lexa down, and if it had worked, we probably would be still going down the same path. Might have even taken on Quintin by now. That would have ended badly. I mean, we got crushed by Lexa, and she's actually a teddy bear. (That comparison surprisingly accurate now because a teddy bear could actually possibly rip your throat out these days, but they're still cuddly and want to be loved)

Speaking of that son of a bitch, Anya and I are going to check out his operation this weekend. Lexa doesn't know of course, and yeah that kills my honesty streak, but she'd probably lock us both up in the dungeon ‘for our safety’ if she knew. Really, we're doing it for her safety. It’s got to be done and Anya says Quintin has shoot on sight orders for Lexa. He doesn't know me and he still wants to make a dime off Anya, so we can case the joint without incident. Well I can. Anya's the distraction, because she's a badass, but the woman has the criminal know how of a snail. I mean that in the kindest sense. 

Yeah yeah, I know, “that doesn't sound like turning over a new leaf Clarke, that sounds like taking on a ruthless gang boss to steal all his money and maybe kill him”.  
Well gee, book, that's an elaborate assumption. It's correct, but it’s not. It is the right thing to do, revenge or not. He's a murderer and a sick fuck and a homophone to boot. (Not that that last part is justification for murder) We take him out, or better, turn him in to the authorities (anonymously) and let him rot in prison, take his money, (a lot of which was Lexa's to begin with) and then I'll go back to my quiet lifestyle of running an illegal plush fighting ring with my killer teddybear of a girlfriend….. Or whatever. 

Ok, time to figure that out. Yeah Anya always jokes and calls Lexa my girlfriend when she's not around and I'm sure she does the same to her when I'm not around, but that's just Anya being a big sister. We've never really talked about what we are, officially. When it started she told me she didn't care what it was, just that it was happening and that's worked since then. We share a room, a bed, meals, her car, the business, everything, and isn't that pretty much the definition of being a couple? So yeah, maybe we're a couple, but then there's that thing where sometimes she can't look at me without getting that far away look in her eyes and I know she's thinking about Costia, and maybe we're not, because maybe she's not ready. 

 

She's home.

Talk to you later, book.

* * *

“Stop the car!”

“What?”

“Anya! Stop the fucking car!”

I swear, when someone tells you to stop the car, its not an invitation for twenty questions, it means stop the god damned car. To her credit, that was some excellent break slamming just now. 

“What the actual shit Clarke?!” 

Later. I will explain later. Right now, I'm either tripping balls or that's Raven sitting in the ditch. 

It's actually Raven! What the fuck?! She looks about as surprised as I am, but that's probably the face anyone makes when a way out of place on a dirt road sports car skids nearly sideways to a stop a few yards away from them. 

“Raven!”   
I swear I had my shoes on a minute ago, how the fuck am I tripping out of them right now? It'd be funny, getting my foot stuck in the car door and losing my shoe, if my former best friend wasn't staring at me like I'd just burst out of hell itself in the middle of her hitchhiker's picknick. 

“Clarke? What? What are you doing here?”   
Her leg's dragging. How long has she been out here in the cold? Where's the gang? Why would Octavia let her out of the house without an extra coat and a bulk package of hand warmers? She gets cold! Cold makes her leg hurt! Who let this happen, I'm going to kill them. 

“This is a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, what are you doing here?!” 

“Waiting for my ride to come back, obviously.”   
Clearly the upturned milk crate and her backpack were supposed to be the obvious clues there. But seriously, what?

“They left you?”

“Bellamy's on a warpath, thanks for that by the way, I made a few too many arguments, so I'm having a ditch party until Octavia can convince him to turn around.” 

This is why I love Raven. She can tell me the most horrible things like it's the local weather. No big deal, doesn't even bat an eyelash. Bellamy kicked her out of the car and she's just patiently waiting for him to come to his senses. Like that's normal. 

“Your turn. What are you doing here? I figured you'd be back with the ice queen, sucking face and pretending we don't exist.”

Owch. Ok, I deserved that. 

“She's not…”

Backtrack, now is not the time to defend Lexa. Defend yourself. Actually, don't. Just be honest. Remember how that's what you're supposed to be doing now?

“I made a mistake, what I did to Bellamy, ok? It was wrong and if I ever see him I will apologize. I thought Lexa was dangerous and I was trying to get you all away safely, but I got upset and I… handled it poorly. I'm sorry.”

“First name basis huh?” 

She is pissed. That shiver isn't just the cold, it's bottled up rage. 

“She's not who we thought Raven. The stories we heard…”

“Save it. She locked us all in a cell.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Not your apology to make Griffin.”

Point. But I know Lexa regrets it. She didn't know what else to do. I've seen the way she gets when she catches someone trying to screw her. It's all instinct, pure preservation instinct. But it could be much worse. She could be Quintin.

“I'll pass that on. But Raven, the stories we heard about her, they weren't her. They were Quintin. That's where we're going, to figure out how to take him down. It's a long story, but please believe me, Lexa's not the bad guy.”

I wasn't expecting that to work.

“Quintin? Mafioso crime lord who's compound is twenty more miles down this road Quintin?” 

Uh oh.  
I haven't seen Raven scared very often, but I'm pretty sure this is what that looks like. 

“Bellamy's warpath?” 

No don't nod at that. They can't be headed there. They're going to get themselves killed. 

“We have to stop them!”

“Clarke! Stop. Why should I believe you? You're clearly in that bitch's pocket now, how do I know you're not just pinning her shit on the next guy?”

We don't have time for this Raven…

“It's a long story, but please, get in the car, I'll explain on the way. If they go in there half cocked, they're going to get killed. He's unstable”

“Clarke? What's going on?”

Anya. Perfect timing. Because I needed Raven to completely lose focus on what I was talking about. Thank you. She's like a magpie with a shiney thing, only the shiney thing is beautiful women, and in this case, Anya. Great. 

“Anya, please tell Raven that unless she gets in the car with us right the fuck now, that your brother is going to kill our friends.”

She won't listen to me, maybe it'll click if it comes from the lips she's oggling so hard.

“Your friends… your old fight gang? Those friends? They're going after Quint?!” 

She knew our track record with Lexa, my gang was chopped liver. 

“Clearly they aren't great friends if you're sitting on the side of the road in the cold, but if you care about them at all, you need to come with us and stop them.”

That actually worked. Score: one for Anya, none for Raven's hormones. All aboard the ‘save-the-people-you-betrayed train’   
God Rave, what are you keeping in this backpack?

“Floor it.” 

“You're not allowed to give me driving directions anymore Clarke. Shut it.”

Fair.   
At least were driving again. 

This is possibly the longest, awkwardest silence ever, please someone say something. 

“Alright, explain. Now.”

She's still pissed. But at least she believes Quintin is dangerous. She probably still believes Lexa is just as bad, which surprisingly hurts to think about. When did I start feeling so responsible for her?

“Um, ok… long story short. Quintin and his brother stole Lexa’s family farm, started the pit, and killed her girlfriend-”

“Who was also our little sister.”  
Thank you for that clarification Anya.

“Right, they killed Costia when Lexa tried to get the farm back. Lexa killed Art and Quintin ran away with all the money to start this place he's got now.”

“And Lexa told you all that. You expect me to believe it? Sounds like you're brainwashed Griffin.”  
Did I just flinch? Did I just flinch at the way Raven said Lexa's name like it was poison? The exact way I used to spit it at her when I was trying so hard to hate her. Good fucking god. 

Woah! Warning next time Anya! Why did we stop? I thought you were against slamming the breaks?!

“Alright, listen bitch, I was there, I saw what happened, you don't trust Clarke or Lexa's word, fine, listen to mine. My brothers killed my baby sister. My brothers. I love my family, but Quintin is sick, and I will choose Lexa over him without a second thought. They killed Costia and Lexa lost it and killed Art, and for a while after that, she wasn't right, she's still not entirely ok, but she's not the monster you want to believe she is. And Clarke is my friend, so if you want to keep throwing punches like that you can go back to your ditch and wait for your misguided friends to come back for you. Which they won't, because my deranged little brother is going to kill them. Got it?” 

I have also never seen Raven speechless before. But Anya, even turned around from the driver's seat at that awkward angle, is fucking intimidating and I swear I saw Raven gulp with her nod. If I wasn't already kinda stupid crazy about Lexa, I'd be kinda stupid in love with Anya. That was impressive. And sweet, she stood up for me, to one of my best friends! Former best friends I guess…

“Ok.”   
It's a day of new Ravens. Scared Raven, speechless Raven, and now defeated Raven.   
And awkward quiet. Points to Anya's car for the smooth ride on this shit back road though, Tristan's truck would have had us bouncing around like jumping beans. Ok, bored with that line of thought.

“What happened with Bellamy?”

“Which time? He's kinda lost his shit Clarke.”

My fault. She sounds so tired. It's probably been hell for her after I left. Left? Stayed? I mean technically, they left, but it was my idea? Fuck I don't know. Poor Raven.

“Start from the beginning I guess.”  
I'm not sure I really want to hear it all, but I caused this, I can't keep hiding from it. 

“He wouldn't leave the house for a week after we left the Commander’s Pit. Just kept switching between sulking and throwing things. I think he’s settled on being angry. We were out of food, out of money, you know, the whole every day dilemma, so I called Finn.”

Ugh, that name makes my skin crawl. Why?

“I know you hate him, but you weren't there,”

Fair point.

“And Bellamy was being useless. So Finn and Lincoln and O and I pulled a few small jobs, got some new fighters prepped and it was going fine. Until Bell decided he wanted to be in charge again. His plans have always been sloppy without you fixing the holes in them and he wouldn't listen to Finn when he tried to help. We had three really close calls, lost a puppet and almost lost Finn to some psycho throwing knives.”

Not that Finn doesn't deserve a knife to the spine, but who throws knives anymore, I mean, aren't guns kinda the go to for projectiles? I can't believe they let him back on the team. 

“Sounds like a train wreck, who throws knives... What possessed him to take on Quintin?”

Excellent question Anya.

“It was Finn's plan. Long term plan. It wasn't finished and we weren't ready, but we left Finn at a hospital and Bellamy decided we could do it without him. I was trying to talk him out of it for the hundredth time, and that's when I met my friend, the ditch.”

“So he's going in there with no recon, a plan full of holes and three people?!” 

“Train. Wreck.” 

Not helping Anya.

“What are we gonna do about it? You're the last person he wants to see, and even Octavia couldn't talk him out of it. He thinks he's got nothing to lose.”

Fuck me. I knew he was impulsive and emotional, but risking his sister and best friend because I turned him down? Jesus fucking Christ. 

“We stick to the plan.”

“What plan?”

Yes, what plan Anya? We were just supposed to be having a look around.

“I distract my brother, pretend to be interested in his offer. Believe me, that'll stroke his ego enough to keep him occupied for at least an hour. You two just have to find your friends and get them the hell away without attracting attention.”

That's…. Actually a good idea. But…

“We'll lose our chance to recon the place. This isn't going to work twice. There goes our shot.”

“We'll figure it out. Saving your friends is more important than revenge right now, we don't need him killing anyone you love too.”

* * *

Voicemail. Damnit.

“Hey, Lex. It's Clarke. Look, this wasn't supposed to go down like this at all, and now I'm pretty sure we're gonna die here, so I just wanted you to know that I… I think I kinda… no. Fuck it. I'm going to die here and all I can think about is how much it'll hurt you, so fuck it. I love you Lexa. And I'm really sorry.”

Dear god, hang up now.

Fuck, can I delete that?   
No. It's the truth, she should know. I wish I had more time to be sure, but well, I just wish I had more time. 

Don't look at me like that guys. Ok, Anya, you're fine. I’m ok with that smile because I know that it means that you knew what I was going to say when you gave me your phone and that you're alright with it. If we get out of here I swear to god I'll take care of her.  
But Raven, really, please calm down. I can't help who I fall in love with, even if she did make some colossal mistakes. You don't know her. 

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, you got a problem with that?” 

Fight me. 

“Ladies. More pressing issues? Focus please?” 

Right. The armed thugs holding my friends at gunpoint. The suicide mission to save them. 

We could turn around and drive away right now. We could, right? They're dead anyway, there's no way we can win this, we don't have to die too. I'm not a hero, I could go home. 

No.

Octavia and Bellamy took me in when I had nothing, Lincoln taught me everything I know, everything that I'm going to use to save them. 

“Ok. What do we have to work with? Three of us against seven of them and probably a shitload of puppets. The car, my pocketknife and whatever Raven has in her godawful heavy backpack. Please tell me its guns. Or bombs. Some of each?”  
I hate guns, but even I know when to let go of my reservations. We could really use some firepower. 

“I have Finn’s pistol. But the rest is computer parts and scraps for puppet weapons, not much that's useable without a power source.”

“So we have a gun.”   
Aw, it's cute that you think that means we have a chance Anya. Please don't play with that. Or whatever, I guess you know what you're doing. We're gonna die anyway, sure you can have the gun.   
We don't have a chance.

Wait, maybe we do. 

“Power source. A plush?” 

What? I pay attention. I was the one who celebrated with you when you figured out how to use their weird little life sustaining static charge to power the weapons you put in them. That was a night. 

“Yeah. But we don't have one.”

“If I got you one, how long would you need to fit it with something that could help us?”

“Clarke, you can't get us a plush. Do you not see what I'm seeing? There's an army out there ready to shoot our friends.”

“Yes I see that. That's why I'm trying to come up with a plan. If we can get a puppet we've got an extra gunner and a distraction in one. We just need to pull the gunmen away from Lincoln and he can get them free from there, that's what he does. I guarantee you he's been looking for an opening since they kicked him down. Then it's six to seven plus whatever demon you can Frankenstein together. If we have the surprise, we can take them.”  
I'm winging it here, alright? I'm counting on being able to kidnap a brainwashed puppet and making it work for us with brand new equipment plugged into its stuffing. I just want us to not die.

“Not before Quint calls for backup. He's probably watching a fight and waiting to give the order to shoot until he can watch in person.” 

I thought you were the optimist on this team.

“So we have to work fast. How long Raven?” 

“Twenty minutes? I don't know Clarke. They don't have that long. Those guys look tweaked as fuck, one word from the boss and they all have lead in their skulls.”

“So we don't let him get a word in.”

Anya! No! Wait! What the fuck are you doing?! Get back in the car! 

Holy fucking SHIT!!! This is a disaster. Can I not have just one plan happen like it's supposed to?

“What is she doing?!” 

“Being our distraction. Damnit Anya.”

The gun.

She has the gun. Fuck, she's going for Quint.

“Is she insane?!” 

“Shut up Raven! They haven't shot her yet, that's gonna change real quick if they find out she's not alone.” 

To Raven’s credit, she’s getting better at listening. She actually shut her mouth. 

Anya might be certifiably insane, but this seems to be working. By some miracle.   
All seven of these fucking rednecks are distracted. 

Please make a move Lincoln. 

“Follow me, stay low. If this works, shits gonna blow any second and we need to be close enough to help.”

“What help are we going to be with pocket knives? They have guns.”

“Then we stab them and take the guns. I don't know Raven, I'm making this up as I go. Shhh.”

Anya's talking. 

“Remember me boys? Who wants to take me to my brother?” 

Are you flirting with them? Seven guys at once? Damn girl. 

Two of them fall for it. One of them actually tripped on his own feet to lead her inside. What a joke. Maybe these guys aren't as tough as they seem. Though, this kid is probably barely sixteen.

Two down, and Anya's on her own inside the building. Please just shoot him as soon as you see him.

Please please please. 

Five to five. But like Raven said, they have guns and we don't. We're still at the disadvantage. 

We can do this. We can do this. Come on, make a move.   
No… Shit. If Lincoln moves, someone's going to get shot. If Raven and I move, we're going to get shot.   
Better me than them.  
I'm sorry Lexa.

AHHHH!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! SHIT! Someone's got me, I can't move, there's a hand over my mouth! Raven's too from the sound of the scuffling. We're dead. We're caught and we're dead and Octavia and Lincoln and Bellamy are dead. 

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?!”

…  
…  
…  
Lexa?!

Oh my god. Oh my fucking unholy GOD!   
She's here. She's here and she just snuck up on me and scared me to death. And she's gonna get herself killed too. God damnit. 

“What are you doing here!?” 

I just want to hug you right now, I don't even really care what you're doing here, you might have just saved my life, at least for now.

But now there's four of us crouched behind a really scraggly hedge at the top of this little hill and it's really hard to be quiet and stay hidden. So we're still probably sitting ducks.

By some miracle Raven stopped struggling. And what the fuck? It's Tristan holding her. 

“Tristan heard your plan. We left about a half hour after you. Where's Anya?”

The one time I actually want to thank Tristan for being a dick. Didn't see him ever coming to my rescue.

Lexa looks scared. That's something I never thought I'd see. I've gotten used to seeing her emotions, but this one, I really never want to see again. As much as she's always wanted to take Quint out, I don't think she's ready for this. 

“She's inside. Lexa, this wasn't supposed to go down like this.”

“I know. You said. How about let's not die here so we can talk about that later, yeah?” 

You got my message. 

Focus. 

“Tell me you have a plan.”

“Keep you safe is as far as I've gotten. But I have a few ideas.”   
If I didn't love you before, I do now. Not only was that really sweet, but catching the gun Tristan just casually tossed at you like that was incredibly hot. Incredibly irresponsible of Tristan, but that's to be expected.   
My badass warrior goddess.   
And now the giving orders. 

Yep, I'm trash.

“Raven, right? I need you to stay with Clarke. You two are gonna stay up here until the shootings done. Then we're all going in after Anya. Gus and Tristan and I have rifles, with any luck, we can take the guards out before they can get a shot off, but if we can't, you stay low and get to that door to get Anya. Got it?”   
I think Raven's jaw just hit the floor because suddenly there's a pistol in her hands and Lexa's looking at her like she just trusted her with the fate of the world and I don't think she knows how to comprehend that someone she was probably ready to kill is trusting her, and trusting her with her own gun. 

“Raven?”

“Got it.”

Just checking. 

Wait.

“Lexa, wait.”  
Tristan and Gu thankfully keep moving to the trees to line up their shots and Raven didn't move. She's still only like, three feet away, but this is all we've got, so I'll take it. 

“We're killing people now?”   
I know that look too well. The one that's thinking about Costia, and pulling the trigger on Art. 

“I can't promise no one's going to die, Clarke.Anya and your friends are more important than Quint and his junkie redneck army, but I'm not killing anyone I don't have to.”

I know she's thinking about my message before because now she thinks she might die here and maybe she needs to say some last words. I can see the gears turning and she's got that little twitch at the corner of her mouth that's trying to make her say something that she hasn't quite figured out yet. If she says it now, then she doesn't think we can do this and that's not an option. 

“Just come back safe okay?”  
You can tell me later because there's going to be a later. 

“You too. I can't lose you Clarke. I won't. We're getting out of here. And then we'll talk, okay?” 

Talk about us. Yeah. Good. Yes. Okay.

Be safe. 

And now we wait. Wait for gunfire and pray no one we care about dies. 

“Raven?”

“What?”

“I'm sorry about all this.”

“It's not really your fau-”

Gunshots.

One.  
Two three four.  
Five. 

They did it, five shots, five guards, they-

Six.   
Six? No.

“Come out here Lexa!”

No. 

“I know thats you.”

That scream… Octavia. Oh god. Bellamy. Bellamy's dead. He's lying there, dead. And Quintin has Anya and the gun, and… it's my fault. 

“Quint. Let her go. No one else has to die.” 

Lexa no. Stay away from him!   
Of course not. She won't just let him kill Anya like Costia. 

And I won't let him kill her like he killed Bellamy.   
Fuck staying safe. If you're putting yourself in front of his gun, you're not doing it alone.   
Octavia's still screaming, but Lincoln's dragging her away and the look in his eyes… like he's not sure if I'm real or not, if any of this is real. But Raven has them now and at least they're safe. 

I should have taken her gun. I'm close enough now, I could have shot him, but Lexa's close now too, and she can't take the shot because Finn's pistol is against Anya's head. 

“Stop right there little girl. Pretty stupid coming out here, and with nothing. You gonna glare me to death Blondie?” 

Go on. Keep talking. Keep making me angry you fucking pig. 

This poor dumb kid. I'm sorry you got stuck with the job of restraining me. Sucks for you. Just do your job and get me close. Good. What an idiot. You think holding my wrists behind my back is going to keep me? You didn't even check my pockets.   
You've ever seen anyone die before have you? And now there's six bodies and you're too fucking dumbstruck to realize I've got a knife right under your wrists. Just get me close. Bring me to your pig of a boss for inspection like a good minion. 

“Your new toy Lexa? She's pretty. Shame I'm going to have to kill her.”

Don't gag, don't flinch. There's a gun against my cheek. Like some gentle caress. But it's a fucking gun. He really is sick. Just keep holding his eyes. This doesn't bother me at all. I can feel every nerve in my teeth, I don't think I can grind them any harder without breaking something, but it's better than letting him see how fucking scared I am. 

“Fucking try it.”

Try it with my knife in your lung.   
Sorry about the wrists, kid, I hope I didn't hit anything major. Quintin on the other hand, I hope that fucking hurts. 

The gun is on the ground and he's screaming. There's so much blood. I can't move. Anya's pulling me down and I feel like I'm moving too slow and everything else is moving too fast. Someone's yelling for Lexa and I'm not sure if it's me or Anya, but she has her shot.

Seven.  
Eight.

Silence.

* * *

Quintin and his compound burned to the ground. Four of the guards died. 

We brought Bellamy back to the farm and Lexa gave him a place in her little family cemetery, Octavia and Lincoln and Raven haven been staying in the guest house, but Octavia hasn't hardly left the spot we buried Bellamy. 

No one's really okay anymore. I don't think I said a word for the rest of that day and I still don't really feel like I can get my hands clean. I stabbed a man in the chest. I cut a kid's wrists. It took three seconds, but there's so much blood.  
Lexa wakes up sweating in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for hours. Anya has taken to sitting up with us by the fire because I think she has nightmares too. 

It all happened so fast. From Anya walking into Quintin's compound to his body hitting the dirt with Lexa's bullet between his eyes, maybe five minutes. 

We haven't had a fight in the last three days and most of the guys have left. I think we're done. No more pit, no more fights. Lexa wants to try to use the farm for what it's meant for. It's not being a doctor, but maybe it's good enough. It's not killing.

* * *

SPRING

 

Lexa handed this book to me through cell bars six months ago. I guess I've kinda let it go.

It's spring now, and we've been busy with the farm. I don't know anything about farming, and Lexa and Anya and the boys only know what they remember from helping out when they were growing up, but we're managing. Lexa let me and Octavia get goats (She said it was just to manage the grass, but she lets the tiny one follow her around, even in the house, so I know that's just what she says to feel like she's being a responsible adult. Haha, yeah right. Nerd.) Raven wants a llama, but she's still got some work to do on convincing Lexa on that one. 

Lincoln and Ryder retrained a few of the puppets to help out. Simple stuff, but it's pretty cute to watch them try to move equipment or clear the orchards. Octavia wanted to get them to joust on the goats (Just for giggles. A non lethal puppet circus, because why not) but the goats wouldn't cooperate, so we're sticking to using them as farm hands. 

It was weird, combining my old family with my new one. But we did it. Everyone kinda gave up on old grudges after the whole Quintin thing. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Raven took the longest to come around,(I think Lincoln and Octavia took saving their lives as a good enough apology for the dungeon fiasco) but eventually Anya wore her down. They're kinda inseparable now, it's adorable. And irritating. They're trouble. Lovable, sarcastic, trouble. 

Lexa (and tiny Edgar the goat because he really does follow her everywhere) goes to visit Costia and her dad about once a week, but it's good now, it's not out of guilt or to make promises or because she's still holding on. I go and watch her write her letters sometimes. I wrote Bellamy once, to say how sorry I was. Now I just leave him flowers, or a rock I think he would have found interesting or sometimes those little plastic vending machine toys that he used to collect because ‘Everyone needs a hobby, Clarke’.  
Octavia leaves letters sometimes, though I think half of the little collection of toys is from her.

I managed to convince Lexa we deserved a vacation. She kinda goes into workaholic mode and I thought she could use a break from the farm. I don't think she's left it for more than a day since she took it back. I had an uncle who had a cabin on a lake up in the mountains, so we're going to hide out there for a few days, just us. Edgar will be devastated.

* * *

“Hey love, you ready to go?” 

It's so cheesy when she calls me that. I love it.

“Yeah, I've just been waiting on you, slacker.” 

I live for that eye roll. She was taking forever though, it really shouldn't take that long to pack for a weekend. 

“Found your old journal?” 

“Yeah. It was buried under old binders from the pit. It's a roller coaster of a read.”

It really is. I'm still confused as to how this was my life just a few months ago. It seems like I've been a simple farmer's girlfriend for years, but the book says otherwise, and it is my handwriting, so it must have actually happened. 

“I think I'll feed it to Edgar.”

Ha! The look on your face! 

“No! That wouldn't be good for him. Just because they like to eat everything doesn't mean they should Clarke!”

“You love that goat more than me don't you?” 

“He doesn't sass me.” 

“Maybe not, but can he do this?”

Kissing her is still magic. I think it always will be. 

“I love you more than the goat.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I love you, Clarke.”

“I love you too, Lexa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> PleasePleasePlease tell me what you think. I'm dying to know. :p


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